Monday, January 24, 2005

In a word...eep...

Its all gone up, big style. I dont mean 'big' big. This isnt "I'd like my meal supersized" big. Oh no. Much bigger. When your girlfriends mum finds out that you've been sleeping together without her even knowing it always does go up in an Oppenheimer 'Destroyer of worlds' kinda way. Especially if she's a bitch. And oooh, she is...Big Bitch...

To say i'm not welcome at News Lane anymore is a bit of an understatement. I'd probably be sniped if i stood so much as at the end of it. Which, if i were a Dad, i could understand. Nevertheless, its a #### scary thought. I think the post before this had been up for far too long to impose anything new so i was planning on having something decent up by tonight anyway, but when my mum rang me to say that our parents had been talking and she wasnt coming to dinner tonight...you just HAD to know something was up.

Despite my own run-ins with self-harm, i know it was only always a cry for help, in one way or another. With Emma, i think it might be different. I've asked her to call someone, the Samaritans, namely. But she's not having any of it. I can't give her the emotional support she needs, I have my own rocks to carry, unfortunately. The feeling of uselessness in a situation which you should be able to help in is one that is ever present at the front of your mind. Poking you with a very sharp stick. So much on my mind at the moment, i'm wondering what to do about anything. Are me and Emma really right for each other? Do we have a genuine future together or are we grasping at fairytale storylines? Am I too young (16) to be in such a serious relationship with someone contemplating suicide? WTF?

This and many more questions faced me today. Unfortunatly, not one i can answer.

These are my worries, thank someone for technology allowing me to share them. Thank anybody for taking a few seconds to read them.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Pent up tension of the 'oh-so-angsty' kind...

I'm sick to the back teeth of everything. Absolutely everything. Everything i'm put through, everything that i have to do to keep everyone else happy, everyone that i'm supposed to keep happy and so much more. Why the hell is life laid out for us to be so stencilled in, the same as the last, a never ending chain of production for the future of mankind. I'm sick of it, mankind can rot for all i care, but not before me.

I hate the way that people expect to have things said to them, done to them and given to them simply because its what they've come to expect and what they think they deserve, how do you deserve anything in this life? How do you qualify for material things? Is there some ####### league somewhere i havn't seen about what hardships we've got to go through just to be allowed to rant once in a while?

How can we be held morally responsible for our actions when they are all pre-determined as is the future of the very universe we live in? What is the meaning of us being here, and more to the point, why the hell should we stay here? Who are we? Are we souls with conciences that can honestly prove to have our own choices and self-determined futures or are we just a series of pre-determined chemical reactions that have an effect on supremely complicated chemical body that effect the world around it?

Why do we persist with our intensely stressfull and meaningless lives? Its plain for all that we're going no-where and yet we seem destined for the promotion of our own genetic material to as many offspring and to give them the best lives possible.

And through all this verbal garbage there looms one truth, one constant for every 'human' on the planet.

Death.

We will all die, no matter what, and so any and all human endevour is utterly, utterly pointless.

Why do we bother eh?

Sunday, January 16, 2005

I have nothing of interest to say

So this shouldnt take long...erm, this posting on Sundays and whenever i feel like it apart from that is working out ok i guess, no problems yet. I've kinda given up on the PC idea. I'm feeling very apathetic at the moment, its taking massive effort to even write. roll on decent TV...

Monday, January 10, 2005

One month on...

Due to technical reasons i've been kinda neglecting my blog. I apologise to the server that this little internet backwater runs on and anyone silly enough to read this ranting. Had to catch up with my webcomics which provided literally minutes of childish glee. Although i have to admit, MT is getting pretty good and i think they'll be shipping internationally soon. I'll be wearing an Evil L33t t-shirt in no time. In fact there's a lot of t-shirts on the internet i wouldnt mind acquiring, there are some on TG that catch my eye as well. And then theres the problem of money...

My paycheck will be going up soon but that doesnt change the fact i need to save. So, i have a plan in place. Of the money i already have, i'm trying to keep £50 in my account for the next time i get paid. Not easy considering it hasnt been 5 days since i was paid and only have £80 left. If i can survive that long then that £50 is staying in my account, and for my next payslip i'm gonna aim to keep £75 of that back. So by the time i get paid in March i should have at least £125 still in my account. And so the £25 increments go on till i get to £150 a month. April gives me £225 in total, May gives me £350, June gives me £500 and by
August i should have £800. Overtime willing i'll have my grand in September and my PC components by November. Time wise its ambitious i suppose but it should be worth it in the end. That and it gives me enough leftover cash to buy plenty of manga. ^-^;;

Enough ranting for today, not quite made up for a missing months words but its a start. Oh yeah, i'm going to see New Found Glory in February as well. So thats a good chunk of my income splashed on merch...